i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
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This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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