i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize