Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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