Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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