My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
