I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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