alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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