I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
