I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
