Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
