New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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