sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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