Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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