you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
