and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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