I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
