Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
