On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
