Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
