Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
