Michael Bay diarrhea
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
