My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
