Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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