No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
