Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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