I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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