But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
