Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
