I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
