i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
