My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
