people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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