Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
