During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
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I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
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Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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