I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
