If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
