just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
