when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
