I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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