My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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