nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
