Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Congratulations! We have a period
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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