K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
