I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
