Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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