just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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