Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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