John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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