if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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