She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
