The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
