I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
