My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My vagina just recognized that song.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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