Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Someone shattered a urinal.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
