genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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