So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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